There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
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