last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
