I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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