I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
