i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
