i can't believe i had my finger in that
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
