20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
