from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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