No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
