Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize