I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
YAS. BRING CRAB.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
