whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
