a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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