Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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