I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
