I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
