I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
