Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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