I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
