oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So gin and wine won't be happening again
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
