Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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