I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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