i think my mom watched the whole time
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
