it hurts more in the daytime
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
