I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He? As in you personified your dick?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
