she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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