Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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