He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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