I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize