i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
