I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
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I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
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Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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