just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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