stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
So here I am, sexting at work.
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