if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
