someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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