Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
