Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
