My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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