Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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