Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
