I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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