I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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