I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
