then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I did not marry a roomba.
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