My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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