even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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