you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
