how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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