did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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