We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
