3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
