Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
