We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
