its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
