I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
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You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
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We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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