Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
