She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
