I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Randomize
